11 DAY ROUTE FROM EGYPT TO CANAAN Day 5 Complaining and murmering

 2024.10.10

WHY?

I  Did I have to go through a divorce at age 60?

I  Did Johan decide to misuse alcohol at this stage of his life

I  Did he get so aggressive?

I  Did I have to run away from everything I knew, lose everything?

I  Was it at such a late stage of my life and so traumatic?

I  Could Johan not decide to stop drinking or go for help?

I  Must I be in the desert, trying to work through masses of emotions, and I am not even alone to give outing of my emotions?

I  Must I be in a desert now emotionally when I could have been on an island, enjoying nice scenery?

I  Did I wait so long to decide this is it?

I  Could I not just have left years ago when I still had more fighting fitness in me?  Maybe that is why.  Instead of just going from Egypt to Canaan with this, it would have become a circus of fighting.

I  Do I have to go through these emotions now? Is it maybe because I can handle them better at this age?

I  Can I not let go on my own and do I have to work through these emotions now?

I  Do I have to go through the desert and walk this walk through it?  To get time to go through the motions.

I  Can I not still be at my old house, doing the things I used to love?

I  Is a desert the place I have to go through?  Because in a desert there is no distractions.

I  Do I have to work it and cannot just shove it under a carpet?

I am frustrated….

I  By the feelings running through me

I  By being in the desert because of Johan and his choices

I  To stay in one room and not have my own space where I can do whatever I want to do.

I  To share my dog biscuits with other dogs too

I  That I cannot just leave my back door open for my dogs to come and go as they pleased when I am not at home

I  feelings that I have to work through

I  Because I wanted to be on a lovely beach and rest in peace, and now I have to walk through this desert and work through severe emotions

I  That life has thrown me a curve ball

I  That I have to deal with someone else’s frustrations too

I  That I cannot just run away from it all and just go and relax somewhere where it is very peaceful.  But I know I have to work through this to get to a better place, a place where God can use me.

I  That Johan’s inability to cope with life, had such an impact on my life

I  That the doctor is not doing anything to help Johan

I  That I did not get more help from anybody so that Johan can be helped

I  That I just had to leave Johan like this, but maybe this is what he needs – his own time alone with himself.  Not that it seems to be working!

I  With this year and the stress and trauma I had to go through.  But… it could have been worse.  Actually I think God prepared me little by little to make this move. Last year June 2023 I had the vison of God’s hand coming out from heaven.  I was clinging to God’s hand and Johan was swinging underneath me, me clinging on to his hand with everything in me.  And underneath Johan was the drinking devil, swinging around.  For a whole day I was baffled about this vision.  The next morning, I asked God what this vision was saying to me.  Must I hold on to Johan’s hand.  I just heard this question:  Whose hand are you going to let go off????? I could not let go of God’s hand!!  He is my only Anchor!   I said that to Johan last year and then he went to Parkmed to get help.  But…. It did not work, because he felt forced to do this. And that does not help at all.

I  by having to go through this now in the latter part of my life.  But maybe this is the best time to go through it, when I am more mature, nearer to God and not so stressed out anymore.

Do You (Lord) think…

I  I will be able to work through this and still live to tell the tale?  Yes

I  That I will be able to go through this desert on my own and get to the promised land in tact? Yes, because I am with You all the way, just as I have been with My people in the desert all those years.

I am mad because…

I  I wouldn’t have been in this desert if it was not for alcohol

I  I wouldn’t have been in this desert if it was not for choices OTHER people made.  I choose long ago not to drink at all because I have seen the effect it has on me.  Why can others not make the same choice.

I  I even have to sit here, at my age, and work through things that was not even my fault.

I  I have to go through the turmoil of a divorce at my age.

I  Johan is still staying in the house and I was the one who had to go. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t have been this far emotionally and spiritually, if I did not leave that house and that circumstances.

I  I have just started to renovate and spend a lot of money on that house

I  Johan’s choices impacted my life so much

I  I have to get a divorce, one of the things the Ten Commandments spoke so clearly against.  But then… who has might over life and death? Only God has.  If I stayed in the circumstances to whom would I have given the might over life and death? To Johan, a human being that sometimes does not even know what he did because he blanks out from alcohol.

I  I really did my utmost best to get Johan help and I told the doctor and Johan’s brother Ben, that something was very wrong with Johan.  But… they refuse to believe me, whom have been married to Johan for 39 years, because Johan could pretend so many things when he was around people.  Why did no one believe me????

I  I had to flee again, the eight time or is it more?

I  Johan never flees the house, but stays in his comfort.  But then again, every time I had to flee, I learned something new, I came closer to God, I had to rely on God to help me, to protect me, to bring me back at the right time.

I  it is so frustrating to flee the house every time and just go back again.  But this time I knew … it was the end.  There was just something telling me that, if I go back, I would never come back in one piece (alive)again.  Maybe I am wrong, but the warning signs was loud and clear this time!!

I  some people never even go through something like this in their lives. But… I have to learn from God, and God used every time I had to flee, to bring me closer to Him.  I had to run to Him, because my friends did not even want to hear about this anymore.  It upset them to hear about this and I was all alone – just me and God.  Thank You Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit for being my best and only true Friend and always listening to my heart, my cries, my pain!!  And never judging, never leaving me alone, never letting go of my hand.  Thank You for saving me and showing me that this was the last time!  What would I have done without You!!!

I  I am so alone in this battle in my mind, soul and heart, and nobody out there seems to care if I am in the desert or not, if I am surviving or not!!!   But I do care, says the Lord of hosts.  I care enough for you to bring you out in the desert so that you can heal, so that you can have time to look at your life, and make life changing decisions.  You wouldn’t have made these decisions if you were still at the meat pots of Egypt.  You had to come to the desert to have time to think, to have time to be quiet before Me, to have time to work through your life!

I  The desert isn’t a great place to be.  But in the desert you are leaning skills to survive.  You have time to tend to other’s needs, time to talk to Me, time to reflect on your life, time to decide who you want to be in the promised land and in heaven one day.  You have time to get reconnected with your talents, your gifts, the person I want you to be, says the Lord.

I  I never thought I would be in the desert like this, all alone by myself. That is the best place to be and you are never alone. I am your God and I will never leave you nor forsake you.

 I give over to You Holy Spirit…

I  All my dreams

I  All my talents that is hidden at this stage

I  Everything in me that You could use

I  All my sins

I  All my brokenness

I  My whole heart

I  My body, soul, mind, being

I  Every single pain left in my body

I  Everything that does not belong in my body, mind, heart, soul and being

I  Every drop of me that is left at 60 so that You can use it to Your advantage

I  All the knowledge I have gain over 60 years.  Use it if you can and show me how to use it to Your advantage.

I  Everything that I am, everything that I was, everything that I can become in You

I  This desert experience and the murmuring in my heart

I  Every centimeter of my life and my body, my soul, my heart. Use me and teach me

I  Everything in me.

I  All that I have on this earth that can be useful to You

I  The woman I become so that You can change me to the woman You want me to become

I  All the hurt I had in my life. 

I  All the pain and suffering I went through

I  All the heartaches and humiliations I had. It was all worth it to get to this point in my live.

I  Anything that I never gave over to You

I  Things that is hidden in my subconscious and that is keeping me from serving You in fullness

I  My mind, that is always trying to work things out for myself.

I  My heart that is always pondering on things that it should not be pondering on

I  The business woman in me that always wants to be in control of every situation.  I give over Lord, because I want You to change me and use me to stay in You.

I  Every dream I had that I thought was from You.  At this late stage in my life, I only want the dreams that You have for me, not my own.  Because my dreams are not Your dreams, and I want to live Your dreams for my life, reach Your goals for my life, spend my last days doing what You created me to be on this earth!

I  All my experience, all my trauma, all that I had learned over 60 years

I  My whole life, my whole being, everything that I am.

I  Change me here in the desert Lord and use me to spread Your Word, like You want me to.

I  Everything and anything that is standing between me and You.  Grab it out of my life Lord and let me stand before You as You have intended me to stand before You when I was born in my mother’s womb.

I  My life, my knowledge, my heart, soul, mind, body, being.

I  Me, just me without pretenses, without belongings, without anything that is tying me down to this earth.

Thank You Lord

I  For bringing me into the desert

I  For helping me to open up to You

I  For giving me this desert time in my life, so that I can once again prioritize You as my number One, and seek in all honesty to find You.

I  That You are there for me, guiding me with a cloud in the day and a fire column at night

I  That You never left me but that You were always there for me

I  That I can get to a place where You want me to be, to cleanse me, to get all bad influences out of my life, to put my feet on solid ground again – Your solid ground

I  That You send Your angels to guard over me, and that You never leave me alone

I  That You care so much about me that You brought me to the desert to find out who I am without Johan and who I am in You.

I  That You are my Bridegroom, the One is guiding me through my life and that cares about me more than any human will ever care about me.

I  Thank You are cleaning my whole human being here in the desert, taking away everything that does not belong in me, and replacing it with Your Spirit, Your knowledge, Your wisdom and Your supernatural gifts for other people

I  That I can just rest in You here in the desert and know that You are doing a great job in me, one that I would never be able to do.

I  For helping me to get to know You better, without distractions, without running to places where I should not be, without any interruptions!!  Wow You are amazing!!!

I  For just holding my hand through all of these years and for being so patient with me.

I  That You took me out of Egypt into the desert to get to know myself as You see me.  I don’t think the Egypt version of me is such a great version Lord.  But You care so much that You are taking me to the desert where I can find myself as You have created me, and get in touch with who You want me to be.

I  For everything You allowed me to take with me on this desert learning excursion.

I  You are the Best and only God that I ever want to serve.

I  Here I am my Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit.  Cleanse me, fill me with Your Spirit and use me as You are pleased.  Please just be gentle with me Lord, and teach me again to listen to Your voice, Your heart speaking to mine.  Teach me to be in sync with You once more and protect me from the devil please

I  That you are so great and that You have brought me to the desert so that I can listen to You, hear Your voice again and follow You … only You at all times.

I  For never letting go of my hand, but for helping me through live and all the things I went through.

I  For caring so much that You let me go through a lot of experiences so that I can learn my strengths and my weaknesses and so that You can mend me to be who You want me to be.

I  For the desert, for clear night skies, for brisk desert mornings and for You being so constantly at my side, never leaving me alone!!!  I am so grateful.

I  Here I am, just as I am.  Form me and mold me and use me for Your work here on earth!

I  For removing things form my life that I never even knew was there.

I  For removing things that stand between me and You and for helping me to become more and more like the person You want me to be.

I  For filling me with You here in the desert, because there is nothing else that could attract my attention.

I  For putting my live on hold so that I can learn from You, so that I can once again hear Your voice and follow Your lead.

I  For getting me on my knees in the desert so that I can just stay in You and in Your kindness.

I love You Lord and I only want to serve You with my whole being and everything that is within me.  Let me die in myself and wake up in You!!! You are my Everything!!!!