11 DAY ROUTE FROM EGYPT TO CANAAN Day 8 Accepting what you cannot change

 2024.10.13

Here I am, already at day 8!  What a glorious yet traumatic journey this has been.  I kept thinking back to Egypt and realized that I had crossed the Red Sea and there is no way back for me.  That makes a big difference.

What must I accept that I cannot change – at this stage?

I  There is nothing I can get from the old house.

I  I have to leave everything that is still there, things that I need and could use very handy now.

I  I have to accept that those things are in Egypt and the Red Sea is between me and them

I  There is no going back to the past and all its things

I  I will never see the inside of the house again, except if I have to get pajamas for Johan if admitted in hospital

I  All the plants I plant with such love and care are dying because they get no water

I  The garden is going down the drain because nobody is watching it

I  All the money I spend in the bedroom above will go to Johan

I  He will make a bed and breakfast, open it, and enjoy all the money.  I will not see a cent of that

I  It is over – me and Johan’s marriage of 39 years is over

I  I am alone and do not have a husband anymore.

I  I am ALONE AND DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND ANYMORE! Wow!  That opens up new doors for me – no reporting to someone the whole time, no anger because I am late or I do things that I love and it takes up my time and going to the movies whenever I want to!  Yes!!!

I  Only me can provide in my own need now.  I have to cut costs as much as I can and save as much as I can

I  I must not be reckless with my money, but save as much as I can for a rainy day

I  If I can save up money now, I can maybe take a vacation later.

I  How I spend my life is now up to me.

I  There is not going to be anyone who would stop me if I wanted to go somewhere

I  I just have to muster up the guts to go places

I  I will be in the desert for quite a while because I have to work through my emotions, accept the things that have changed, and see the new open doors that are there for me.

I  I can now accept new challenges and rest in God and His leadership!!!

 

What is in the desert that is difficult to accept but that I have to accept?

I  A little bit of loneliness because I do not have someone to talk to regularly

I  People around me that is not always acting the way I would love them to act

I  Getting used to not having my own place where I can do whatever I want to do

I  Getting used to someone else making my food for me every night

I  Giving up my own space and freedom to have peace.  But that I will do in an instant again.  The peace that I now have is amazing!!

I  Sometimes my car has to stand outside, and I do not like that. But…

I  New people with their own things on my way

I  Have dogs all around me, lots of dogs

I  Not being able to give my two dogs the bones that they had at home

I  Clean my own room every day – and not having the guts to do it.  Coming from years of having a servant cleaning and washing.  But it is just a mind shift I have to make

I  Always have to adhere to someone else’s rules and regulations. It is not difficult, but…

I  Always have noise in the background – maybe TV or kids running around.  There is not the quietness that was in Egypt.

I  Not being able to sleep whenever I want to, because I have to work

I  Not have my own plants and flowers around me

I  Not being able to look at my garden from my studio

I  Not have my own place that I can pay for and do in it whatever I want to do

I  Have less space than I am used to and my clothes are cramped into one cupboard.

I  Have to get by with the minimum things and cramped space

I  Not being able to cook for myself, though I must say I love being served a plate of food at the end of the day which I did not have to make.

How will I be able to accept the things I cannot change?

I  First I must realize that my life has changed and has changed drastically

I  Then make peace with the fact that I will always be staying in someone else’s place

I  I must learn to love my room and be proud of everything that is in my room

I  I must learn to clean my room every evening so that I will be proud of it and never shy to invite someone here

I  I just have to accept everything with the help of Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit

I  It does not help me to fight things off that I cannot change

I  It does not help me to go against everything and throw a tantrum

I  I have to accept my space and be very grateful that I do have a room that God provided for me in a safe environment

I  I must accept the challenge of God in all of this because if I can learn to be happy in the midst of  a big change, I will be happy when things go according to what I love also

I  I must enjoy nature in my own way

o   Walking in the mornings

o   Maybe walking in the afternoons

o   Sitting outside when everybody has gone inside

o   Getting myself a place where I can be alone and not have eyes on me all the time

o   Feeding the birds, and rather cut on other things

o   Visit nature as much as I can: Faan Meintjies, just driving out on the Buffeldoorn road and taking pictures sometimes of all the beautiful trees that I love so much

I  Just accept that God took me away from emotional abuse and placed me in a place of safety

I  Just do it – as easy as that!!!

I  Be thankful and grateful for every day that I am safe and I can live!

What must I change in this process?

I  My attitude – be more grateful for everything I have

I  My outlook – I am not cramped in one room:  I have a safe room to live in without any abuse anymore

I  My love for those who took me in and made me feel welcome in their house

I  Be thankful for children who are supporting me and understand where I came from

I  Accept that I am alone and that new doors are opening for me because I am alone – things that I could never do because I never had the time to do them

I  Not just sit in my room, but go out and enjoy basic things in life – a purple flower from garden dirt that is clinging to live at a pavement where I pass with my car every day.

I  Enjoying just one thing at a time

I  Seeing things around me, beautiful things that can give me joy

I  Say one positive thing to one person per day because maybe they have a worse day than I have

I  Spread Jesus’ love to everyone I meet along the way

I  My attitude –  is to accept and love every minute of what God has provided for me

I  Thankfulness

o   for being safe, not a statistic in a police file

o   for having money to live on

o   for having a place where my dogs could stay

o   for just being loved by God and knowing it

o   for being able to serve God every day and not be restricted

o   for still having friends, although I was very angry with Stella at a stage

o   for having my dogs around me to cuddle me and remind me that they want to go for a walk

o   for being taken into a family and being accepted by all of them

o   for being able to plant things in my son’s garden and enjoying that side of my life.

o   For being alive and still being very healthy

o   For just being able to love God without any difficulties anymore

o   For having God as my Bridegroom, watching over me all the time and providing for all my needs

o   For just resting in God and all His splendor

I  Love

o   Everybody

o   Everything

o   Nature

o   Shows around me where people are singing

o   Shows where it is free to attend

o   Going to places where there is water and just enjoying quiet moments there

o   My children and grandchildren

o   My dogs

o   Myself – which is what I have not been doing all my life.  I have learned not to like the inner me, the person who craved to get out.  Now I have time to give love to myself because I deserve to be loved.

o   Working because it means that I can still do it and enjoy it

o   God in all His splendor and goodness

o   Being around God and His people

o   Music to the best of my abilities

I  My attitude towards:

o   Myself

o   Johan – to completely forgive and forget him and move on with my life

o   Work – to give the best that I can and to love the customers with my whole heart

o   God – to make Him my one and only Bridegroom, to listen to Him, to go where He leads me, and to be in love with Him in such a way that there is no place in my life for anybody else

o   People at work – get the best out of them and ask them what they love and enjoy.  Motivate them to become the best people they know and can be, and not be angry with them all the time.

o   People at work – teach them what we want and how we want that

o   Work – I must work harder than others to show them that I am not sitting and earning money, but that I work just as hard as them

o   My dogs:  give them more pets and love than I do. Just holding each one of them close to my heart and walking with them

o   My grandchildren – ask them about themselves and just give them hugs and be proud of them

o   Live in general – preserve live and preserve nature.  If I have the time, I must pick up all the dirt in the bushes before my son’s house, cut the branches and get the beautiful trees to grow to their fullest!!

o   Pick up as I go – people, nature, filth, animals in need

Thank You Lord for being my Bridegroom in this desert journey of mine.  Thank You for picking me up and giving me hope, where I felt there was no hope.  Thank You for showing me all the things I still have left, and all the things I can still do with my life.

I consecrate my life to You.  Please use it to Your advantage my King, and help me to do things You want me to do!  Help me to enjoy life the way You wanted me to enjoy life.  Help me to see opportunities in everything and do things that You want me to do.  Help me to rest in You and Your kindness but to find myself – the way You have created me from the beginning of my live.  Help me to find my purpose in You and to spread Your Word until the day that I lay my head down.  Help me to be the Good Samaritan,  to help people without expecting anything back from them.  Help me to sow for You Lord, whatever it is that You need.  Help me to help others along the way and just rest in Your goodness, kindness, and mercy.

Oh my King, I love You so much and I just want to stay in You – always.  Please pick me up when I fail and just carry me through.  Open up the doors for me that You want to open up, but close all the doors You do not want me to enter.  Help me accept the things I cannot change and make the best of everything around me.  Help me to spread Your love and cheer wherever I can so that people can see You at all times.  I just want to rest in You and in Your goodness my King and Savior!!!